Thursday, April 11, 2013
Though my son is just 81/2 months old, and his surgeries were just a few mere months ago, it is easy to forget. Life is fast paced and filled full of the next crazy thing. I can so easily become accustomed to his ability to see, and forget about the miracle that God has handed our sweet son. Thankfully God gives us a weekly reminder that He is good. That our son can see, and that its such a blessing that they have the technology to help him see. How do we see this? Every week when we take Barrett's contacts out over night to clean them ☺ The process is becoming more of an art form that we are slowly mastering, and while we think we have it figured out Barrett is growing and the next week he might be too strong for that method. None the less, I am thankful for this weekly battle we face as a family. When we first take his contacts out he doesn’t behave much differently, but you notice a difference in his eyes, he looks threw you, not at you. We put him down and he goes to sleep like normal. But within a few short hours a long night begins, he wakes up unsure, insecure and afraid. Most these nights end in the dark early hours of the morning when he cant convince himself back to sleep and he just needs to be held close and tight to his mommy. I of course willingly oblige and we wrap up on the couch together and I talk softly to my darling boy while he touches my face, my hands, anything to be sure I am near. When a less early morning arrives and daddy rolls out of bed around five ready to put his contacts back in the really rough part starts. The kid HATES putting his contacts in! A battle breaks out that only subsides when both eyes are back to normal and he can see clearly again. Finally he is able to see, finally he is secure, and finally he goes back to bed. On most such mornings I curl right back up in bed and relish the hour or two more of sleep I will get before starting my day, but not today. Go back a few steps to the time when its way to early to be up and we are awake on the couch, his little fingers grabbing at my nose and mouth, his face snuggled into my neck not even watching his actions, he coos and kaas asking for reassurance, asking for hope and peace. How often in the darkest times do we cling to God, we bury our faces into Him and reach out for anything that feels safe, secure and like a little hope. We trust Him, but we make it clear that we aren’t happy with the situation. We long for the time when we will be able to “see” again, to know where life is going and why, to be secure. That’s normal, that’s good, and honestly I believe that’s healthy. But when we battle and fight against the very God we called out to in the first place to come hold and comfort us, when we fight the process that will bring us out of that dark place in our lives, we are shouting “I don’t trust you!” “I know a better way!”. We are wrong. If our hearts desire is to trust and serve a mighty God, then we must be open to the tools He sees fit to use in our lives, what a frightening and potentially painful thing. Who wants the hard times to let Gods grace and provisions shine threw us? Not one of us. But which of us hasn’t seen Gods hand so evidently involved and in control as we look in on someone else’s dark time? Who hasn’t been moved by seeing the strength and comfort he wraps around a family grieving the loss of their child? Or the courage given to those who battle cancer? The patients and love gifted to a parent with a struggling and rebellious teenager? God is big, He is mighty, and He uses YOU to shine his light to the world, just like we asked, but not how we asked. As a parent I wish putting Barrett’s contacts in was like giving him candy, that it was pleasant and enjoyable for him, believe me I want that. But being just a little bit smarter then him, I know there is no better way. I know that while it is unpleasant for a few brief minutes, the next week of clear sight way out weighs that difficult battle. You know God feels the same way. He looks at each one of us, His precious unique child whom he loves unconditionally and sees a way to something better, He longs for the best for us, He knows there is no easy way, but he will walk with us and make us strong. And after you have suffered a little while, God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. - 1 Peter 5:10 He will restore, confirm and strengthen us. What a beautiful promise of brighter things to come. No one wants to be tested by fire, but all of us want to be found pure and strong. The testing of our faith produces perseverance – James 1:3. Oh if only it said the good and plentiful times will produce perseverance, oh and more good times to come ;-) My son serves as a weekly reminder to stop battling with God, and to start embracing the challenge that’s going to make me see. To start trusting Him at all points in this continual, life long growing process. These ideas are not new ones, but they are easily ignored or forgotten in our worldly hearts that long for nothing but contentment. Just as my son goes right back to his old ways every week, until the next battle begins, we to quickly lose sight of these truths. We stop “needing” Him as much, we are confident, independent, willing to crawl forward on our own because we believe we can see what’s in front of us. until we get thrown another curve ball and our eyes are taken from us once again. So the next time your in a dark place where you cant see, be upset and call out to God, but praise Him for getting your attention, and reminding you that your always in need of more of Him. I praise God constantly that my son can see and experience life since not so long ago he would have lived a constant life of darkness and insecurity. But more and more I praise God for the lessons that being a mommy has taught me, the way it has drawn me closer to Him. I all to often cannot see and cling to a strong and mighty God who always delivers. And while I often ask why it has to be painful at times, I hope that in the future I will remember His promises and know that this to shall pass, and I can rest secure and safe in His loving arms. He will never leave me or forsake me, and he delights when I am in need of him. Just like my mothers heart delights in bringing comfort to my son, in holding him safe and sound in my arms. Oh how sweet it is to be loved by Jesus <3
Monday, October 29, 2012
Alright here it is, an update on our little Bear! We finally went to his genetics appointment on the 19th and it went amazingly well considering we had no idea what to expect. We figured we wouldn't leave with many answers, and while we don't know what it is, we did get some answers of what it isn't and that deserves a sweet sigh of relief! Barrett's Dr is almost sure that this isn't Marfan Syndrome (The scary diagnosis) apparently while dislocated lenses are very common in this syndrome it isn't associated with the dislocated pupils at the same time, thank goodness :-) ............ What this does mean is we are still wondering what it is. There is one gene that would mean that this is an isolated issue and as long as everything goes smoothly will be resolved with his surgery and contacts, of course this is what we are now praying for. Barrett's Dr was intrigued by him having never seen this before because it's so rare. If it does come back positive (which we wont find out for a few months) he still wants to see Barrett back because they know so little of this disorder and would like to study him a little more for further knowledge................ If this test does not come back positive then we will be in for a bit of a long haul as they try to figure out what it is, and what else it might affect. Since the issue in his eyes is a connective tissue disorder the other areas that are commonly affected are his joints and heart. There are not any other known genetic disorders that affect the eyes like this that they know of so they would be figuring it for the first time! So the answers could be a wide array of things............... The other thing that was brought to our attention however is that Barrett is displaying signs of another genetic disorder that affects the kidneys. The strange thing is that the signs he is showing are associated with his ears! The genetic world is a fascinating and confusing thing for sure. The Dr said that it is possible that he simply has these traits without them being associated with anything further. We will be having an ultrasound soon which will tell us a little more about this.......... Since Barrett is showing some differences on his ears we are also going to have a professional hearing test just to be sure that he isn't having any issues there. At this appointment little Bear gave some of his blood for the other tests needed. We got a negative test result back on one which was an answer to prayer and now we will be praying for a positive on the second, which will take a couple months to get the results back............. Over all we could not have asked for a more positive outcome from this visit. The Dr was amazing and proactive not wanting to leave anything unchecked. He was interested in our little boy and made us feel that he was truly putting his best interest first which we know is a huge praise! We feel so blessed to have a healthy thriving little man who continues to develop and change every day as if nothing was wrong. His sweet giggles and darling smile are a constant remind that our burden is such a small one compared to what some people have to face......... God is good and our hearts are full as we continue to move forward, as we continue to embrace this little boy into our family. Bear was made in Gods image and he has continued to teach us like any child does :-) We feel honored to love our little man and blessed to have all your love and prayer support...... P.S. I cant figure out how to make it break up my paragraphs, that's why all the..... haha
Sunday, October 7, 2012
“My son is not “perfect” in the eyes of the world.” For the past few weeks this thought all to often dances across my mind whenever we are out. I see the way people look at him, and the pointing. Are they not aware that we CAN see them? We get funny questions about them like “Are they real?”… Nope just playing dress up with my 2 month old “Are those protective glasses.” Yes we are afraid your going to spit in his eyes. Or my favorite so far “Where can I get a pair of those!?!?!”
Friday, September 14, 2012
When our sweet son Barrett was born we noticed right away that his pupils were not in the center of his iris and were also not perfectly round. We asked the Dr, she said it was fine but we got the feeling she didn't totally understand the question. At his 2 week appointment we asked again, this time she understood, agreed and gave us a referral to a Pediatric Ophthalmologist. After a few hang ups and delays we finally had his appointment on the 5th. Unfortunately Cody was gone so I went alone. The kids thankfully both were very well behaved (almost) the entire time for me :-) We met with the tech who took a look at his eyes and then started the dilation process. Because Barrett is so small they had to use a lower concentrated solution drop several times over a half hour to get the needed results, so we waited watching Nemo until it was time. Dr Arnold made a wonderful first impression and I truly feel that Gods hand was involved in getting Barrett in with this Dr.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I am not a motivated person in a lot of areas of my life. I give up on things and don't feel bad about it cause it just wasn't right for me ;-) And while I don't feel like I have ever gotten fat, I also haven't ever been "fit" lol. So after having baby #2 I decided its time to make some changes and get into some good healthy habits before this body isn't so young and good to me and I do get fat, because I love my husband way to much to let that happen :-) So here it is out there for everyone to know and see so I cant give up as easily... I hope
A few weeks back I posted about being in love with Mary Kay but that I would be putting it to the ultimate test during labor, obviously that time has come and gone, so how did it do? I will let you decide for yourself, but I sure felt like it held up! Here is a lovely picture of me after my first labor with Willow.... Just stunning ;-p
Thursday, August 16, 2012
It’s only been two short weeks since I met my darling son face to face for the first time. He was small, swollen and screaming but to me he looked like the most handsome little man I had ever seen. My heart instantly grew to make room for another “love of my life”, and I knew there was something amazingly special and different about having a son. He was perfect and he was all mine :-) After my first labor and delivery experience I wouldn’t say it was impossible or anything like that, and I didn’t look back on my experience with dread of ever going through it again. I was in fact excited to be becoming a mother again and even looking forward to a second shot at a natural delivery since my first hadn’t gone according to plan. Today however I will tell you that my first experience was miserable and that I don’t want to ever do that again now that I know what it can be like :-) My son was good to me and I was blessed with an amazing experience this time around.